The Strange Tale of Perley Gates

A Report from our Down East Correspondent Shadrach Spencer

            I hear tell from them what knows that Perley Gates mother Goldie was a might religious belonging to one o’ them Presbocostal churches, or some such thing. She had one eye set on her husband Ollie, who loved to tipple, not be Presbocostal hisself. Her other eye was firmly set on her hope of the Heavenly Rest; which is why she named her son Perley, the Perley Gates bein’ foremost in her mind.

            In a way the name was both a trial, and an eventual blessing, for little Perley. Perley was a pudgy timid little boy, and boys bein’ boy teased him some awful, chanting “Perley Gates, Perley Gates, Peter don’t you call be, ‘cause I can’t come”, and other finely honed witticisms. Perley gates hated sports ‘cause every time they picked sides, he was always the last one picked, “Dang! We got Perley Gates agin’.” The result of all this meanness was that Perley was so frightened he was bug-eyed (‘though the doctors said is eyes were exophthermos, or somethin’ like that), an’ to top it all off he developed an awful stutter.

            Perley fumbled his way through Grade School, and dropped outa High School an’ went to work for Andy Millsap at Millsap’s General Store over in town. Bein’ as how he stuttered he weren’t much good with customer’s, but Andy let him fetch and carry and sweep the floors.  When Andy passed over, his son Will took over the business an’ he inherited Perley along with the dry goods, chicken wire an’ shovels, an’ eggs n’ groceries and such.

            It was Will Millsap who finally launched Perley on his career as a banquet guest at the Local Rotary Club, and soon the Lions, an’ even the Loyal Order of Moose, caught on, an’ other folk around the county took a shine to introducin’ Perley.

            Perley would dress up in his best flannel plaid shirt, Dickie’s trousahs and red fireman’s suspendah’s and they would set him up at the head table so as they could introduce him. They would say, “An’ now let me introduce Perley Gates. Let’s everybody give a hand to Perley Gates,” and Perley would stand up and say, “Th…Th…Thank you v…v…very much,” an’ then he would sit down.

That way they would all feel gratified havin’ in a vague sorta way drawn a little closer to heaven, an’ havin’ introduced a sorta vicarious spirituality, without sayin’ grace and upsetting the town atheist.

            Over the years Perley had many a free chicken dinnah which was alright ‘cause he liked chicken and he weren’t much of a cook hisself. An if’n you have need of a spiritual touch at a banquet or town meetin’ without havin’ to pray and upset the town atheist you might could call on Perley Gates, he’s always happy to oblige.