Maynard and the Honey Wagon

A News Report from our DownEast Reporter Shadrach Spencer 

        It was a stinky holiday for Maynard Wilkins.  Maynard Wilkins spent part of Christmas Eve stuck upside down in the openin’ of his septic tank, with his head inside and his feet kickin’ in the ayah above.

       “It wern't good, I'll tell you what," said Maynard. “It was the wust Christmas Eve I've evah had. I was sittin’ on the new second hand plummin’. Why it was only in ninety-nine that we had the indoor biffy put in, but as I was sayin’, I was sittin’ theyah an I pulled the chain, and that cold watah came a gurglin’ up around mah rear. Gave me some surprise, I tell you. Well I dried off and hitched up my trowsahs and come out here to see what was the mattah, and by gum I could see that the honey tank was overflowing. 

       Well I pried off the top, got a bucket an bailed a bit ‘till I could reach in an’ loosen the clog. Well, mah foot slipped, ah lost mah balance and fell in head fust,  and got wedged in the openin’. There I was with mah feet kickin’ in the ayah and mah arms a splashin’ in the muck. You bet I hollah’d for help, but Maudie couldn’t heah a word. She had Jeopardy on the Tivo with the sound way up loud. It must’a been ovah an howah before she missed me. Aftah she stopped a laughin’ she tugged on mah legs but she couldn’t budge me an inch. Finally she called Ernest Twombly what had the Honey Wagon And he come with his truck and he and Maudie yanked me out tugethah. Why, I thought it was the end of mah life, I tell yuh!

  

       Thank God Maudie’s program was ovah and she come a-looking for me. I don’t think I couldah stood stayin’ in there much longah.”